"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."George Carlin on Abraham Lincoln
"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."George Carlin on Winston Churchill
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."George Carlin on Robert A. Heinlein
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."George Carlin on Sigmund Freud
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself."George Carlin on Josh Billings
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."