"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."George Carlin on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."George Carlin on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."George Carlin on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."George Carlin on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."George Carlin on Elbert Hubbard
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."