"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present."George Carlin on Roger Babson
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."George Carlin on Abraham Lincoln
"Lost time is never found again."George Carlin on Benjamin Franklin
"Patience and time do more than strength or passion."George Carlin on Jean de La Fontaine
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."George Carlin on C. S. Lewis
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."