"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again - and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife."Groucho Marx on Barbara de Angelis
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy if not, you'll become a philosopher."Groucho Marx on Socrates
"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."Groucho Marx on Robert Frost
"Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness."Groucho Marx on Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."Groucho Marx on Ambrose Bierce
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."