"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
"Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country."Henny Youngman on Margaret Thatcher
"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body."Henny Youngman on Benjamin Franklin
"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."Henny Youngman on Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."Henny Youngman on Bill Cosby
"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."Henny Youngman on Robert Frost
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"