"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."Henny Youngman on Calvin Coolidge
"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree."Henny Youngman on Roy L. Smith
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."Henny Youngman on George Carlin
"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store."Henny Youngman on Dr. Seuss
"A good conscience is a continual Christmas."Henny Youngman on Benjamin Franklin
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"