"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Henny Youngman on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Henny Youngman on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Henny Youngman on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Henny Youngman on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Henny Youngman on Elbert Hubbard
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"