"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."Henny Youngman on Dalai Lama
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."Henny Youngman on Marcus Aurelius
"Prayer is the key of the morning and the bolt of the evening."Henny Youngman on Mahatma Gandhi
"If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first."Henny Youngman on Mark Twain
"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it."Henny Youngman on Kevyn Aucoin
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"