"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse."Henny Youngman on Doug Larson
"We are not the same persons this year as last nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."Henny Youngman on W. Somerset Maugham
"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage."Henny Youngman on Martin Luther
"Marriage is the most natural state of man, and... the state in which you will find solid happiness."Henny Youngman on Benjamin Franklin
"Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open."Henny Youngman on George Bernard Shaw
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."