"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life now that I am old I know that it is."Henny Youngman on Oscar Wilde
"A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money."Henny Youngman on John Ruskin
"Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants."Henny Youngman on Benjamin Franklin
"The lack of money is the root of all evil."Henny Youngman on Mark Twain
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."Henny Youngman on Mark Twain
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"