"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Henny Youngman on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Henny Youngman on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Henny Youngman on Erma Bombeck
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."Henny Youngman on Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Henny Youngman on Steven Wright
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."