"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"
"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father."Henny Youngman on Pope John XXIII
"When one has not had a good father, one must create one."Henny Youngman on Friedrich Nietzsche
"My father? I never knew him. Never even seen a picture of him."Henny Youngman on Eminem
"I am not ashamed to say that no man I ever met was my father's equal, and I never loved any other man as much."Henny Youngman on Hedy Lamarr
"Whoever does not have a good father should procure one."Henny Youngman on Friedrich Nietzsche
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."