"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."Henny Youngman on Eleanor Roosevelt
"I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot."Henny Youngman on Marilyn Monroe
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."Henny Youngman on Friedrich Nietzsche
"The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles."Henny Youngman on Ralph Waldo Emerson
"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot."Henny Youngman on John Lennon
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"