"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
"It might be said now that I have the best of both worlds. A Harvard education and a Yale degree."Henny Youngman on John F. Kennedy
"God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars."Henny Youngman on Elbert Hubbard
"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."Henny Youngman on Robert Orben
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."Henny Youngman on Erma Bombeck
"Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know."Henny Youngman on T. S. Eliot
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"