"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."Henny Youngman on John Barrymore
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."Henny Youngman on Dalai Lama
"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."Henny Youngman on Abraham Lincoln
"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition."Henny Youngman on Martha Washington
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."Henny Youngman on Mahatma Gandhi
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"