"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Henny Youngman on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Henny Youngman on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Henny Youngman on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Henny Youngman on Plato
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."Henny Youngman on Erma Bombeck
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"