"If I'm pushed, I'd also have to admit I don't like people with allergies. They just annoy me. There seems to be something far too self-centred about it. 'No thanks, I'm allergic.' Why not just say 'No thanks'? I wasn't asking for your medical history, I was just passing around the nuts. Trying to be friendly, that's all."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Jack Dee on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Jack Dee on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Jack Dee on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Jack Dee on Plato
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."Jack Dee on Erma Bombeck
"The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes."
"There were a few teachers who just did not like me because of my face. Once, I was told to stand in the corner until I cheered up. The attitude was, 'Oh, for God's sake, what's the matter with him?' But it's just a natural expression."
"I'm just part of a tradition of people who aren't pleased. I would never think anyone else who has the same attitude was getting it from me. I'd just think they're... sensible."
"But I like going to church. If you've been brought up in the Church of England, it feels like visiting an elderly relative. And I think it's important that part of the kids' education is knowing about the Bible."
"Maybe I fear things going wrong so much that I pre-empt them by not getting excited about them when they appear to be. going well."