"Mmmm... the comedy that matters is the comedy you pull out of thin air. It's a bit like when something funny has happened and you try to explain it to someone else and end up saying, 'You had to be there.'"
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Jack Dee on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Jack Dee on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Jack Dee on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Jack Dee on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Jack Dee on Elbert Hubbard
"The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes."
"There were a few teachers who just did not like me because of my face. Once, I was told to stand in the corner until I cheered up. The attitude was, 'Oh, for God's sake, what's the matter with him?' But it's just a natural expression."
"I'm just part of a tradition of people who aren't pleased. I would never think anyone else who has the same attitude was getting it from me. I'd just think they're... sensible."
"But I like going to church. If you've been brought up in the Church of England, it feels like visiting an elderly relative. And I think it's important that part of the kids' education is knowing about the Bible."
"Maybe I fear things going wrong so much that I pre-empt them by not getting excited about them when they appear to be. going well."