"I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Jackie Mason on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Jackie Mason on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Jackie Mason on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Jackie Mason on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Jackie Mason on Elbert Hubbard
"I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to."