"I was really into classifieds for awhile. I'm a big negotiator. My father owned a car dealership when I was younger... it's just in my blood."
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Jake Johnson on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Jake Johnson on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Jake Johnson on Erma Bombeck
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."Jake Johnson on Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Jake Johnson on Steven Wright
"My dream career would be to be in things that have real heart and are telling real stories but while doing that, you're getting really big laughs. I don't necessarily love the straight crazy comedies. 'Caddyshack' is amazing, but there's not a lot of new 'Caddyshack's."
"If I took over the 'Glamour' offices for a day, I would put Joe Pesci on the cover. I would say 'We've got to change all these magazines a little bit. We have to bring out a different version of what is, like, cool. You know, what's winning. Joe Pesci, Burt Reynolds.'"
"You know, what 'New Girl' is doing is they're bringing in really cool people. These are home-run people who aren't your typical guest-star-type people."