"I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Jay London on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Jay London on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Jay London on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Jay London on Plato
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."Jay London on Erma Bombeck
"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."
"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."
"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."
"I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights."
"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes."