"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Jay London on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Jay London on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Jay London on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Jay London on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Jay London on Elbert Hubbard
"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."
"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."
"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."
"I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights."
"I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger."