"My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!"
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Jeff Foxworthy on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Jeff Foxworthy on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Jeff Foxworthy on Erma Bombeck
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."Jeff Foxworthy on Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Jeff Foxworthy on Steven Wright
"If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck."
"My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this."
"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."
"You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education."
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"