"I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Jenny Eclair on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Jenny Eclair on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Jenny Eclair on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Jenny Eclair on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Jenny Eclair on Elbert Hubbard
"After graduating from flares and platforms in the early 1970s, I started drama school wearing a pair of khaki dungarees with one of my Dad's Army shirts, accessorised by a cat's basket doubling as a handbag. Very Lady Gaga."
"I've just got crap hair. Although I inherited a lot of stuff from my dad, including giant knees, I didn't get his good, thick hair. I got my mother's thin, wispy, non-event hair instead."
"I think I might actually die of showing off. It'll be on my headstone - 'Cause of Death: Showing Off.'"
"I'm very jealous of my daughter's education. She's been inspired by her teachers, and nobody inspired me as a teenager."
"I have a fear of poverty in old age. I have this vision of myself living in a skip and eating cat food. It's because I'm freelance, and I've never had a proper job. I don't have a pension, and my savings are dwindling. I always thought someone would just come along and look after me."