"The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Jerry Seinfeld on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Jerry Seinfeld on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Jerry Seinfeld on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Jerry Seinfeld on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Jerry Seinfeld on Elbert Hubbard
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
"Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there."
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
"When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself."
"The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing."