"I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Jimmy Carr on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Jimmy Carr on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Jimmy Carr on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Jimmy Carr on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Jimmy Carr on Elbert Hubbard
"As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing."
"I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way."
"I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26."
"After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead."