"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Joan Rivers on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Joan Rivers on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Joan Rivers on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Joan Rivers on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Joan Rivers on Elbert Hubbard
"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."