"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."Joan Rivers on John Wooden
"Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny."Joan Rivers on Thomas Jefferson
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."Joan Rivers on Theodore Roosevelt
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."Joan Rivers on e. e. cummings
"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher."Joan Rivers on Dalai Lama
"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."
"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."