"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Joe E. Lewis on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Joe E. Lewis on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Joe E. Lewis on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Joe E. Lewis on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Joe E. Lewis on Elbert Hubbard
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."
"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love."
"I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play."
"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough."