"Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Johnny Vegas on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Johnny Vegas on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Johnny Vegas on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Johnny Vegas on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Johnny Vegas on Elbert Hubbard
"I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough."
"I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind."
"You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is."
"I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion."
"My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with."