"I think if you're at the point where you're popular enough to sell your wedding photos to OK! Magazine then you don't need the money."
"The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again - and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife."Johnny Vegas on Barbara de Angelis
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy if not, you'll become a philosopher."Johnny Vegas on Socrates
"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."Johnny Vegas on Robert Frost
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."Johnny Vegas on Groucho Marx
"Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness."Johnny Vegas on Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough."
"I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind."
"You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is."
"I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion."
"My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with."