"Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Julia Sweeney on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Julia Sweeney on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Julia Sweeney on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Julia Sweeney on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Julia Sweeney on Elbert Hubbard
"To a certain extent I am taking a leap of faith. I'm adding up the evidence on either side, and I'm seeing the evidence of there not being a God is overwhelming compared to the evidence for there being a God."
"Our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit... Santa, who was jolly - but, let's face it, he was also very judgmental."
"I used to think no one should go into show biz, but now I feel differently. I now feel like it's a great career. If you can do it and make money at it and still not be so famous that you can have a normal life - then I think it's a great career."
"I think one of the basic tasks in life - one of the nice things we can do for each other - is to take things that are horrible and scary and make them acceptable and less frightening and, if possible, funny. It feels great to succeed at that."
"Well, you can't be depressed and sad 24 hours a day."