"Mind you, I've always been a very off-message type of fat broad one who gladly admits she reached the size she is now solely through lack of discipline and love of pleasure, and who rather despises people (except those with proven medical conditions) who pretend that it is generally otherwise."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Julie Burchill on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Julie Burchill on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Julie Burchill on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Julie Burchill on Plato
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."Julie Burchill on Erma Bombeck
"I am firmly of the opinion that women who make a lot of effort to hang onto their looks in middle age (unless they are beauties, entertainers or prostitutes) are rather sad, as one should surely have something more substantial to recommend one by this time, such as kindness or cleverness."
"As a precocious teen I dreamed of being Graham Greene. Well, as it turned out, I never wrote a great novel, sadly, and I never converted to Catholicism, happily, but I did do one thing he did. That is, in middle age I moved to a seaside town and got into a right barney with the local powers-that-be."
"As a child, I wanted only two things - to be left alone to read my library books, and to get away from my provincial hometown and go to London to be a writer. And I always knew that when I got there, I wanted to make loads of money."
"Surely being a Professional Beauty - let alone an ageing one - is one of the most insecure and doomed careers imaginable."
"My second husband believed I had such a fickle attitude to friendship that each Friday he would update the list of my 'Top Ten' friends in the manner of a Top Of The Pops chart countdown."