"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"
"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father."Lewis Black on Pope John XXIII
"When one has not had a good father, one must create one."Lewis Black on Friedrich Nietzsche
"My father? I never knew him. Never even seen a picture of him."Lewis Black on Eminem
"I am not ashamed to say that no man I ever met was my father's equal, and I never loved any other man as much."Lewis Black on Hedy Lamarr
"Whoever does not have a good father should procure one."Lewis Black on Friedrich Nietzsche
"All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911."
"There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice."
"If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat."
"It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!"
"And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye."