"There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Lewis Black on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Lewis Black on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Lewis Black on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Lewis Black on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Lewis Black on Elbert Hubbard
"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"
"All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911."
"If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat."
"It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!"
"And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye."