"I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'"
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Louis C. K. on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Louis C. K. on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Louis C. K. on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Louis C. K. on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Louis C. K. on Elbert Hubbard
"It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me."
"To me, art supplies are always okay to buy."
"I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out."
"When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'"
"I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work."