"My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Margaret Cho on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Margaret Cho on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Margaret Cho on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Margaret Cho on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Margaret Cho on Elbert Hubbard
"I didn't appreciate the young woman that I was, or my young beauty, because I was so obsessed with the fact that I felt fat. It's never good to add to anybody else's suffering. It's an important topic to really get the gravity and the importance of - dealing with dignity."
"Thankfully, beauty is easier to remove than apply, and a swipe of demaquillage in the right direction and you are you once again."
"Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty doesn't mean it does not exist."
"People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in."
"Interventions are really emotionally exhausting and I would never ever want to have one. In the same way, I would never want to have a surprise birthday party. That would be horrible."