"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Mark Twain on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Mark Twain on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Mark Twain on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Mark Twain on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Mark Twain on Elbert Hubbard
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen."
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."
"When angry, count to four when very angry, swear."