"The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Mark Twain on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Mark Twain on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Mark Twain on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Mark Twain on Plato
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."Mark Twain on Erma Bombeck
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen."
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."
"When angry, count to four when very angry, swear."