"Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Maynard James Keenan on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Maynard James Keenan on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Maynard James Keenan on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Maynard James Keenan on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Maynard James Keenan on Elbert Hubbard
"The idea is, if I can't heal from my art, then how can you heal?"
"Once you take yourself too seriously the art will suffer."
"If you take different mythologies from different cultures, the names may change and the story lines may vary but there is always something in common."
"If the education of our kids comes from radio, television, newspapers - if that's where they get most of their knowledge from, and not from the schools, then the powers that be are definitely in charge, because they own all those outlets."
"The record company's worst fear is that you'll fall in love or get rich."