"One thing I was thinking about is that they probably get their come-uppance about the same percentage that people in real life do. Basically, stealing for all practical purposes might as well be legal in New York."
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."Mike Judge on Steven Wright
"Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery."Mike Judge on Calvin Coolidge
"A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman."Mike Judge on Robert Frost
"Make crime pay. Become a lawyer."Mike Judge on Will Rogers
"Justice in the life and conduct of the State is possible only as first it resides in the hearts and souls of the citizens."Mike Judge on Plato
"It's amazing what we can get away with and what we can't. But it's not for me to decide."
"I don't return anybody's calls unless it's going to mean extra money for me. And I've completely cut off all relationships with any friends that I had before the show. And I've copped an attitude."
"Beauty and the Beast seemed like it all was really brown. The whole thing was just so brown and orange and yellow, like Burger King or something. I don't think I would have liked Beauty and the Beast at any age."
"Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it."
"They don't make you pay for the humor. It's up and down, but they're trying to give you as many laughs as possible in 2 minutes. They are the most honest comedians ever."