"Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Mike Judge on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Mike Judge on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Mike Judge on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Mike Judge on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Mike Judge on Elbert Hubbard
"It's amazing what we can get away with and what we can't. But it's not for me to decide."
"I don't return anybody's calls unless it's going to mean extra money for me. And I've completely cut off all relationships with any friends that I had before the show. And I've copped an attitude."
"Beauty and the Beast seemed like it all was really brown. The whole thing was just so brown and orange and yellow, like Burger King or something. I don't think I would have liked Beauty and the Beast at any age."
"They don't make you pay for the humor. It's up and down, but they're trying to give you as many laughs as possible in 2 minutes. They are the most honest comedians ever."
"One thing I was thinking about is that they probably get their come-uppance about the same percentage that people in real life do. Basically, stealing for all practical purposes might as well be legal in New York."