"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Mitch Hedberg on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Mitch Hedberg on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Mitch Hedberg on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Mitch Hedberg on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Mitch Hedberg on Elbert Hubbard
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"