"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
"I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying, dead."Mitch Hedberg on Oscar Wilde
"You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."Mitch Hedberg on Ronald Reagan
"It's difficult to believe that people are still starving in this country because food isn't available."Mitch Hedberg on Ronald Reagan
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."Mitch Hedberg on Yogi Berra
"Beware the hobby that eats."Mitch Hedberg on Benjamin Franklin
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"