"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain."Mitch Hedberg on Mae West
"Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things."Mitch Hedberg on Keanu Reeves
"You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and its good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete."Mitch Hedberg on Keith Sweat
"Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others."Mitch Hedberg on Wayne Dyer
"If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends."Mitch Hedberg on Orson Welles
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"