"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."Mitch Hedberg on Confucius
"All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence."Mitch Hedberg on Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."Mitch Hedberg on Thomas A. Edison
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."Mitch Hedberg on Robert Frost
"Nothing will work unless you do."Mitch Hedberg on Maya Angelou
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"