"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Mitch Hedberg on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Mitch Hedberg on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Mitch Hedberg on Erma Bombeck
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."Mitch Hedberg on Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Mitch Hedberg on Steven Wright
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."