"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."Mitch Hedberg on Dalai Lama
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."Mitch Hedberg on Marcus Aurelius
"Prayer is the key of the morning and the bolt of the evening."Mitch Hedberg on Mahatma Gandhi
"If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first."Mitch Hedberg on Mark Twain
"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it."Mitch Hedberg on Kevyn Aucoin
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"