"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"God gave us the gift of life it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well."Mitch Hedberg on Voltaire
"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."Mitch Hedberg on Oprah Winfrey
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."Mitch Hedberg on Jim Valvano
"I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity."Mitch Hedberg on Eleanor Roosevelt
"The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance."Mitch Hedberg on Brian Tracy
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."