"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."Mitch Hedberg on Mark Twain
"The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax."Mitch Hedberg on Albert Einstein
"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure."Mitch Hedberg on Colin Powell
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."Mitch Hedberg on Dale Carnegie
"If there is anything that a man can do well, I say let him do it. Give him a chance."Mitch Hedberg on Abraham Lincoln
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."